The image for today’s post? It’s a pretty solid representation of the positive feedback my husband receives from me, versus the positive feedback I receive from him. For those of you who are on the move and can’t see the photo, G Man is holding a laaaarge glass bowl of positive popcorn praise, whilst I hold a glass bowl that might be better suited for a newborn baby. 

Allow me to begin by acknowledging that these popcorn containers are a representation of thirty-plus years of partner praise…or, in some people’s case—their lack of praise. While there was a time in our relationship when I nearly had to drag G over to the popper and beg him to plug it in, I’m happy to say that he has really upped his kernel numbers in recent years. However, about 90% of the corn in my bowl has been received in the past five years. So, I’m waaaay ahead of him in this race, Team. Oh my God, you guys—if I were more clever, I could have laid this out as a competition thirty years ago! If he’d thought it was a compliment-contest all along, we wouldn’t even be having this chat right now. 

But Team, the question becomes, how do you sustain a relationship when both people have different ways of expressing love and gratitude?

This is a very helpful perspective shift that my friends taught me—I can look for love in other places. (This, of course, is not to be confused with looking for love in all the wrong places—that’s not at all what we’re talking about today.) We’re talking about the choice to see expressions of love in my spouse’s actions rather than waiting for loving sentiments to pop out of his emotional popcorn dispenser.

For example, the loving act of…  

• Taking out the trash.
• Keeping an eye on car maintenance.
• Making and booking travel plans. 
• Backing up my parenting choices.
• Managing car, health, and life insurance policies.

Now, Team—if I started counting ‘acts of love’ rather than spoken flattery, our bowls would look a lot more even…as a matter of fact, he might even win the acts of love competition. (Team, he’s totally smiling right now at the thought of beating me in the imaginary popcorn pop-off.)

Another thing I can do when I need a little pick-me-up and I know I’m not going to get it from my husband, is I can reach out to a friend who is a natural at popcorn praising. Because while G’s heart is in the right place, Team—when I solicit recognition from him, it can kind of be like watching a sixteen year old try to parallel park a Suburban.

Now next week we’re going to be chatting about what I think might be at the root of my praise craving. And I’ll give you a hint, it involves spending a lot less time thinking about how G Man talks to me, and a lot more time thinking about how I talk to me. 

Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish teammates! Thanks so much for listening today, and have a wonderful weekend TeamConfessioners.

A special shout out to my neighbor who showed up to snap this pic of G Man and I in the final hours—thank you so much Marie!!!