Today’s Confession is another Summer Submission coming to you from Dan Shay. Dan is an incredibly popular math teacher at Guilford High School here in Connecticut. It’s not often that you hear “incredibly popular” and “math teacher” in the same sentence, am I right, Team? But it’s the absolute truth. That, in addition to being a fabulous father to four beautiful boys, and husband to one incredible wife, Daniel is also a member of TeamConfessions and has sent this wonderful submission to share with all of you. 

Dan writes…Why Am I Surprised?!

Like most of life’s lessons, I learned this one on the golf course. And, while it took me an embarrassingly long time for this bit of wisdom to sink in, I am proud to say, once learned, I’ve never forgotten it and I even apply it, with varying degrees of success, to other aspects of my life. 

So, quick background. I’m a below average golfer, who, like many scuffling golfers, find the mind game to be my biggest challenge. In fact, it can be such a challenge that I sometimes convince myself I’m in trouble even before I start my backswing. It could be my awkward set-up, unbalanced stance, meh grip, clunky takeaway, the list goes on. The result? THWACK — a drive that can start straight enough, but anybody who owns a slice knows what comes next, an almost unimaginably sharp right turn. Zing! Into the woods. 

In the past, I’d shake my head, slam my club to the ground and mutter “Every!! Single!! Time!!” in complete frustration. Then, on one bright sunny morning, after a particularly bad slice, and my predictable response, a member of my foursome I had just met that morning, saddled up next to me and asked “You play a lot?”
“No! Once a month at most,” I say.To which he said, “Oh, then you get to the driving range a bunch?”
“No, not really,” I say.
This prompted him to give me a look (a little too judgy if I’m remembering correctly) and say, “Then how can you be surprised?” and he walked away.

Literally, at that moment, it clicked—I knew how to stop getting so frustrated, and it had nothing to do with my swing. It had to do with understanding that my frustration stemmed from my brain and body sending and receiving two polar opposite messages simultaneously. What was driving me crazy was the contradiction of, ‘This happens every time!’ and ‘I’m shocked that this happens every time!’ 

What the flip?!? Which is it? Does it happen every time or is it unbelievable? These two things can’t co-exist, and my brain knows it. This clash had caused me countless moments of frustration, until – with the aid of my playing partner’s unsolicited advice – I finally discovered how to end my frustration. I stopped being surprised. 

It’s the surprise that got me. 

Before you say anything, I’m aware I’m not fixing the root of the problem. Of course, I’d love to fix my slice, but in the meantime, I also want to enjoy playing a round of golf. Yes, I remain a below average golfer, and yes, I continue to lose an inordinate amount of balls to my slice. But now, I can find joy in a day on the course with friends and family. Mainly because, I am no longer surprised at the outcomes. It’s that simple. Not always that easy, but always that simple. 

As mentioned, I noticed this “surprise/frustration” pattern in other areas of my life as well, and I feel like I’ve done a decent job of applying this little lesson. 

For example, when I’m waiting in the car to bring my son to his soccer practice, I notice that he is frantically searching for the other shinguard, while exclaiming, “They were both right here yesterday. Someone must have taken one!”  Not surprised!

As a high school math teacher, I sometimes have a student who struggles with being prepared for class. It’s almost as if he forgot he was going to school at all. And when this student informs me ten minutes into a test that he forgot his pencil, I refuse to be surprised. No worries—I simply provide him with a pencil. No judgment. No belittling. No frustration. No desire to shame him or motivate him to do better. And before you say, “Aren’t you enabling him?” – I am fully aware that this child needs to learn to be prepared, but most of the time he needs to be reminded that it isn’t the end of the world. Things happen. People forget. Try to remember a pencil tomorrow. In the meantime, I just give him a pencil and move on. (Side note—I might have been this kid in high school.) 

Anyway, I’m not implying this is easy, and of course the underlying issue should not be ignored. But, in my opinion, those times are too valuable and often too fleeting to waste being frustrated for even a second over something as trivial as a lost golf ball, a missing shin guard, or an unprepared math student. 

So well put Daniel Shay! What a great reminder for all of us. Next week I’m going to reflect on how this post can help me approach time with relatives over the holidays. Again, thanks so much Dan for taking the time to submit your important life lesson, and thanks so much for listening, Team!