Team, as I get older, I’m getting a little mouth on me. While early in my recovery of micromanagement I needed to take a few days before bringing issues up with my spouse. Now, stuff just pops right out of my perimenopause mouth. In the beginning of my journey, I needed to pause because the second I was upset, my tortured soul would spew every little emotion it felt, right when it felt it. But here’s what’s different now, Team: so much less bothers me, and when something does, I address it in a much lighter way. Ever since I learned and adopted the theory ‘They’re not doing it to me, they’re just doing it,’ other people’s behavior doesn’t weigh on me as much.

What I’ve discovered about getting things off my chest immediately is this:

1. I can broach the topic as a joke because I’m not dragging around days or weeks of built-up anger.
2. I can quickly move past it because I’ve spoken my peace.

When I used to take everything personally, I brought this heaviness to every disagreement my husband and I had. Whether it was something G Man accidentally forgot or a serious issue we needed to work through, I always brought the same intensity. But what I’ve found after being together for over 30 years is that I’m the one who brings more weight to things. You see, 90% of my issues can stay light—if I’m willing to just let them.

So, how can I figure out if it’s a light or heavy issue? Put it on a proverbial scale before I open my mouth.

“Mags, is this a heavy thing or a light thing?”

Because, Team, what I realized is this: if everything is heavy, nothing is heavy. My hope is that approaching 90% of grievances with a light heart means that when my heart is truly heavy about something, we can both give it the attention it deserves. 

Now, what does that heavy to light shift look like for me?

Here are a few examples…

Heavy: “Ya know Greg, it really bothered me that you didn’t take that stuff out of your truck after I asked you to—you knew I’d need it today.”

Light: “Hey mister, before you get your cute butt in your PJs tonight, make sure the stuff in your truck gets moved to the garage. I really don’t have the energy to spend another 12 hours trying to come up with a passive-aggressive way to teach you a lesson. Love you. Thank you!”

Heavy: We never talked about buying that iPad for the boy before you gave it to him. I’d really appreciate it if you brought me into these decisions—I feel invisible.

Light: Whoa, whoa, whoa—did you forget to loop me in before making a decision about tech for the kids? What the…? Well, next time make sure you remember to circle me into that conversation. I don’t want to accidentally forget not to spit in your coffee. You got me, bubbies? 

Now, these are obviously just silly examples—I promise I’ve never spit in anything belonging to anyone. I’m just here trying to keep things light, one gripe at a time. And while this isn’t a perfect science, it reminds me to take life and myself a whole lot less seriously—and that’s a gift in all my relationships.

Next week we’re going to be chatting about martyrdom. Things got a little overwhelming this past fall which meant I had to reassign some seats on my proverbial plane of life. I hope you tune in for that next week and thank you so, so much for listening TeamConfessioners!

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