Hey Team—can anyone relate to that moment when your blood starts to boil because one more person asks for one more thing of you? Today on Confessions Conversations my friend, Melissa O’Hara shares tools we can use right now to calm our nerves, as well as ways she can personally help you transform your life. 

Melissa’s company, O’Hara Solutions Group, guides individuals and organizations to get results. Whether she’s elevating leadership, building stronger teams, or coaching high-potential talent, she brings practical solutions and powerful insights to help people move from stuck to unstoppable.

Before we begin, Melissa asked me to remind our TeamConfessions family that she is happy to offer a free Horizon Life Design® consult to our Confessions subscribers. So if you feel like you could use more support to make real, lasting changes in 2026, please reach out to Melissa through the links provided. 

And now, it’s time for our conversation…

Transcript: Confession time Team —This is just a transcript of our conversation and it favors function over perfection. So yes — there will be typos, and moments where the transcript program just gave up. Please read with grace (and maybe your imagination).

MAGS: I am so happy to be sitting here with you today and just from a little bit of our conversations that we’ve had in the past. It feels like we might have like cross pollinated a little bit with some of the ways we looked at the world and how we approached the world. And I was so interested when you told me a little bit about your story, and I’d love to hear more about the things that were effective, maybe getting in your way a little bit in your life and how you’ve approached them in this, maybe what we’d call the second half of your life as you move on to new and better things.

MELISSA: Yeah. It’s a, it’s a thrill to be with you here today, Mags, and I appreciate it. One of the things that really resonated hearing your story, which you share so wonderfully in your podcast, is around the martyr part of it. And so for me, I felt like I had to do it all. I was working full time mom of two at one point, my husband was working in Boston, so he was away four days a week, got a new dog and really felt like trying to keep it all together and I was a mess. You know, I felt like my best day was if I didn’t leave a kid at school and forget to pick them up. Right?

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: So, you know, trying to figure out how did I make all of that come together? And what I realized is having the ability to reframe the way I had my existence, and I’ll give you a real example.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: One of the things that I was a trigger for me, I would get home from work and if anyone would say to me these words, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” I would absolutely lose it because I felt like I was working all day trying to keep things going. The kids would come home, maybe sit there and do their homework, or even my husband, and like everything had to fall on me.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And so by having the opportunity to reframe that, that they weren’t trying to make me angry, they just were really curious about, what was the meal, right? That I, I started to say, what about that is triggering for me? So it took a lot of introspection to say, what, what’s grabbing me? And it was me feeling that martyr complex of like, I have to do everything for this family.

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: So then when I was able to say, oh wait. We need to be responsible for family, all of for, for dinner, all of us, the whole family. And that’s where things started to change. So I reframed walking in the door and instead of getting triggered by it, it was just an invitation to say, what should we have for dinner family? And let’s go forward and figure out a way for us to come together and create this meal, which can become a magic moment as opposed to something I was resentful or angry about.

MAGS: Yeah, I’m not there yet. Like I finally was like, why is it expected that I’m supposed to be the one coming up with the dinner plan? So finally, G-Man and I were like, you take these two nights, I’ll take these two nights. I don’t care what you do. I don’t care if you get takeout. I don’t care if you cook. I don’t care what you do. And then the kids can know that they’re like a fend for yourself zone on the weekends. But that definitely shifted it.

But I love that you, that was like your red light. It was like, what is going on here? Because all they’re asking is for what’s for dinner. And I have to look at myself and, and tell us about the process of actually looking at yourself, like, what did that look like?

MELISSA: So it’s hard for me. Journaling is a big thing.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: Um, I started off and I didn’t really like journaling at all. Um. Now I feel like it is a real cathartic way for me to get things out. Here’s what’s different. So when I first started journaling, I would write down what I. Thought I should write down, if that makes sense. So it was almost like a G-rated version of a journal. And so I would write down things, oh, I had a great day, and here’s what the kids would do. It was almost as if someone found it after I was dead. They would read it and be like, oh, isn’t this wonderful? Is. It wasn’t very helpful though.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: So when I started actually really journaling, like what am I really annoyed or frustrated about? What are the things that are bothering me? And one of the biggest things I journal on that is hugely helpful is what am I afraid of?

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And so when I ask myself the question, what am I afraid of? That starts to really get at the essence of what might be triggering me and why, and I have the ability to gain really cool insights from it.

MAGS: So I wanna hear more about that. Like you, you’re obviously not afraid of dinner, so what did you end up finding out was the true root of the fear?

MELISSA: Yeah, it was the fear that the family wouldn’t love me.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: It was the fear that I was failing as a mom. It was the fear that I was not. What my family needed me to be for them.

MAGS: Right. Not enough.

MELISSA: Not enough.

MAGS: And I think that that exhaustion of full-time job, a puppy, a husband, working out of town, two kids, that alone makes you feel like not enough ’cause you’re so tired. I talk a lot about, it’s really a crazy brain. It can’t function very high like it functions when it has to. But what it does to me, it just wreaks havoc on my self-image ’cause it’s always, I should have done this. I like all that ‘shoulding’ on ourselves and it’s delusional. And I actually didn’t even realize I was doing this until I had…I’m in a mom group and a ton of us have, it’s a lot of kids. And I ended up having kind of like the caboose in the in the mom group.

And then one of my friends got pregnant, surprisingly, and I heard her talking about the fact that she wasn’t reading to her kid enough that, like she had just had a newborn. And I was out of that stage and I was like. You are crazy you just had a baby and you’re worried about not like doing enough story time!

And I couldn’t see it until that moment when I realized like any other person would walk into that situation and be like, Melissa, so you don’t have dinner, you’re the one holding everything together. Why aren’t they off their keisters making some chicken nuggets? But like to us it’s like, I think I’m supposed to have dinner. I think when you ask me what’s for dinner, you’re telling me that’s my responsibility. And then it’s like, oh, am I not an, am I not enough for you guys?

MELISSA: Absolutely. Um, one of the other things that was extremely helpful for me was, so I, I have embraced meditation. Not at the beginning though. So I started by buying a book and it was called Meditation for Busy People. And it was a very small book because I was too busy and I didn’t have enough time to read a big book. And, and so I started, and I remember the first time I tried to meditate. I tried, I sat there, but what I did was I put in a load of laundry. I started dinner. Like I did all of these things to give me permission to sit quietly for five minutes.

Like I had to get all the plates spinning. So I could sit down and it was. Agonizing. Like I was sitting there and my voice kept saying, this is a waste of time. Imagine what you could be doing with this time. And it was, it was a very painful process. Fast forward and what it is, a practice meditation is absolutely a practice, and so now not only do I meditate every single day, but my husband does as well, which was fascinating because at the beginning I go into the front room and the family was very. You know, they were. They understood, but they didn’t really understand, if you know what I mean?

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: Like, mom’s, mom’s meditating, let’s leave her alone.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: Kinda like mommy time out.

MAGS: Like this is a phase. She’ll get through it.

MELISSA: Yeah, exactly. Um, even my nephew was like, do you sit there and go, oh. And I’m like, no, that’s not really how it works, but okay. And so they were respectful, but they didn’t really get it. Now fast forward with my husband and how he sees. The benefits of doing something like meditation. And I think they saw how it changed me. How I showed up, how my fuse got incredibly longer. So the things that would trigger me before don’t even make it on my radar anymore.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And so that practice over and over again, and then really kind of role modeling it. So when my family sees what the benefit is and how I show up differently, it’s just made a big difference to them individually and for us as a family.

MAGS: Yeah, that sounds incredible because it’s, it’s that ripple effect. I did, I once heard that if like one person quits smoking it affects like six degrees of separation. And I’ve noticed that with meditation that because you’re not the same person and they know what you’re doing ’cause you’re sitting there in the front room, it’s like the only thing that’s different is mom sits in the front room now, so maybe I’ll give it a shot.

MELISSA: Right.

MAGS: So what does your meditation practice look like today?

MELISSA: Um, well I sit. For anywhere from five to 20 minutes every morning.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: I start my day with meditation and oftentimes I take moments throughout the day and I’ll talk a little bit more about like my evolution ’cause it really has been an evolution.

Mags, this is not like day one. You know, this is Melissa has evolved 2.0, 3.0, 4.0 over time, right? Like, you know, um, and so now it is every day. Sometimes it’s guided. I find there are a ton of different apps, so for anyone who hasn’t tried it and is interested to jump in things like Headspace or Calm or Insight Timer, there’s a bunch of apps out there.

And I would definitely say for people who are starting to actually use a guided meditation, it’s the only way to really like jump in. It’s, it’s too overwhelming if you try it on your own.

MAGS: Yeah, that helped me a lot too. I completely agree with you. And there’s like literally millions of voices of meditation and options out there now.

Talk to me about how you work journaling into that. Like is that a daily practice or is that like used more for venting? How do you use journaling to kind of come to peace and serenity?

MELISSA: I’d say it’s more as needed.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: So meditation is every day.

MAGS: It’s per diem.

MELISSA: Yes. And this one is as needed, but I’ll give you a real example of where it’s been extremely helpful for me.

Before bed. So before bed, if my head is running around with a lot of things. I give it a landing zone, which is in my journal.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: So I sit down and I say, what are all the things on my mind right now? And I just write them all down and I just put them on my nightstand so they have a place to go and they don’t have to stay in my head for the night.

And that’s been extremely helpful. And that’s a practice that anytime I feel overwhelmed going to bed. And you know it like, you know when your head is racing

MAGS: Yes.

MELISSA: Before going to bed. So that one’s a huge one.

MAGS: And don’t you find too, it helps whether it’s like something frustrating that happened in the day, or that you’ve got 16 things that you know you have to get done by noon tomorrow.

And I just have to stop thinking about: Don’t forget that. Don’t forget that, If it’s down on paper and I’ll reference it the next day, I’ll be like, I know there was something else I was supposed to do—so I just go back to it. I find the nighttime is much more beneficial. Like it’s very rare. I’ll grab my journal in the morning unless I’m referencing it. I’m not, I’m not grabbing it to write, I’m grabbing it to reference.

So, um, that sounds like a great suggestion. So where did you start to see it benefit? Like as you, you spoke a little bit about that, where people started to notice a difference. Like how did it help you approach your life differently?

MELISSA: Well, I’d say all the practices that I mentioned were, I’ll call it the undergrad degree.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And then I got the Master’s. And so the, the master’s degree was when I became a certified mental fitness coach, which is one of the things that I do now.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: And the analogy I use is, if you’re sick, you go to the doctor. But if you wanna stay healthy, you eat right, exercise—hire a personal trainer.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: I’m like that for your brain.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: And so I went into it just with curiosity, and I think that’s one of the things about me, I’m a lifelong learner, so I love to learn new and different things. And when I started practicing this, these mental fitness practices

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: That allow you to thrive even in challenging times.

Okay. And we work three different mental muscles. But here’s the difference from meditation, which I said is kind of a sit in silence, beginning or ending of my day.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: The mental fitness practices are real time. Okay. It is when the kids are going sideways, it’s when the dog’s barking, it’s when you’re stuck in traffic.

They’re real ways, ways to reset your brain, in the moment. And so that’s why I call it the master’s level because it’s that next level of practice that allows me to really show up and be calm.

So I’ll give you a real example, like the grocery store before, if I was in the wrong line at the grocery store. I would be so pissed off. I would be, you know, should I change lanes? I’d be judging the person ’cause you know, they have a bagger and I don’t, or the clerk is too slow. You know, any of those things. It was awful.

MAGS: Yeah.

MELISSA: And now I say I’m a busy woman. These are five minutes just for me.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And I use that five minutes in line to reset myself, and now I take that peace and calm instead of frustration into my day.

MAGS: Yes. That’s a great example. So what I wanna know, when you’re in a group setting and you hear somebody. You go, oh, they could use what I do. What are things that are like signs? ‘Cause there’s some people who’re like, That person needs therapy. That person needs a personal trainer, or they need a doctor, or they’ve got a problem with their back or something.

So what is it that comes outta their mouth that you’re like, I think I could really help this person.

MELISSA: It’s everything.

MAGS: And Melissa, has it come outta my mouth together?

MELISSA: Yes, it has Mags, but I haven’t said anything. You know what it honestly, I, I believe if you’re human, these practices will help.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: So it’s just whether it’s in small, medium, or large.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: I’ll give you an example in, in language of the mental fitness program. We call these things saboteurs. Like what kind of gets in our way?

Okay…

MELISSA: One that ties to what we’re talking about here. It’s called the Pleaser. Very similar to the martyr, right?

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And I didn’t have language around that, but now I know how my pleaser shows up.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: And so when I would go to a family event and I’d wanna have everything just right, and I’d wanna make sure that I brought the right things and I was just carrying this whole amount of stress. My shoulders are up and I was anxious about it, and I wouldn’t show up as my best self. And my family now says, you know, holidays are a completely different experience with you mom…

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: …now, that you’re practicing this because you’re not trying to get it right and have the holly like almost wrestle the holiday to death,

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: As opposed to just being in the moment, enjoying time with your family. So when I see some of those things in other people annoying. Frustration, um, difficulty in relationships with other people.

I’ll give you another example. There was, it was a client of mine and, um, one of the, the saboteurs is called the stickler, and she said to me, oh, I get it now. My husband put away his shirt, but he put them with the wrong color. And for her, there was a certain way to put shirts in the closet and there was a certain color coding organization that he should be doing. What she was teaching him is, don’t put your shirts away ’cause you’re not gonna do it right. I’m gonna have to do it for you.

MAGS: Right.

MELISSA: Right. So when I hear things like that, there’s a certain way things need to be done. Lack of control. One of the other saboteurs is hyper achiever, which is something that’s loud in my world.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: Always trying to accomplish things or wanting to be liked by other people.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: Those are some examples of where I hear indications of that, that I might be able to help.

MAGS: So if somebody wants to hire you, what? What does it look like? Do you do an intake? What’s the process?

MELISSA: Yeah, so what I do is there’s an assessment so people can take the assessment. It lets ’em know which of these saboteurs are most prevalent in their life. And then typically it’s a seven week program. The seven week program actually builds new neural pathways, and that’s what’s so amazing about it. So the reason that I can show up in the grocery store or in traffic and feel sage is because I have built literal new brain pathways that allow me to tap into that side of my brain instead of the side.

From an evolutionary standpoint, that gets triggered really quickly.

MAGS: Right. So Melissa, when you say there’s an assessment, is that something they take online? Is it something you assess, like with questions that you ask? What, how does that work?

MELISSA: Yeah, so usually it’s an online assessment.

MAGS: Okay.

MELISSA: They can take it and from that they would discover what their top two saboteurs are.

Then we typically have a discovery call.

MAGS: Okay,

MELISSA: How are these saboteurs messing with you and what’s the price that you’re paying with them in your life?

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And then we would go into the seven week program, which is, has video support, um, app driven and one-to-one coaching.

MAGS: Okay, so this is wonderful.

What I also like to focus on during these conversations is when you were in pain during those early years where you’re just completely overloaded. The answer is not to tell our family what to do, it’s how can I be helpful to my friend, my sister, my brother, when they’re heavy like this. Is there some something that really resonated with you that somebody said or did for you?

MELISSA: Yeah, I, you know, I think, and it, this is a language I have with my youngest Suzanne, and it is a very simple question, which is, “What would be helpful right now?”

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And so when somebody asks me that question and then my practice is to answer it honestly, ’cause usually my answer was, “Oh, I’m fine. Oh, I’m fine.”

Like the illusion of fine, oh, I’m fine, I’m fine. I don’t need anything. And so when somebody now asks me “How can I help?” Or, “What would be helpful right now,” and I, this was what would really be helpful and I can tell them, “You know what, can you make dinner tonight?”

MAGS: Yeah. And you really need to be in touch with yourself.

Like that’s where, when you said it takes practice with the meditation, it takes practice in all of this stuff and not being a martyr, like it really takes practice to say, “I don’t even know what would be helpful.” Because one of the things that gets in the way, um, or feeds my martyrdom is my perfectionism is because I have a certain way I want it done. So when you come and ask me what you could do to help, yeah, you could do the dishes, but if I know you’re not gonna actually take the food off my dishes, I don’t really want your help. And it’s that like balance between, it’s fine if they’re not fully done, or let’s have a conversation about what clean looks like. Because it kind of has to look like somebody actually used a sponge on this thing.

You know, Greg is always like, “They just do a bad job, so you don’t ask them to do it anymore.” And I’m like, “I think you’re right.” So he literally is like schooling me. I’m like. Really they would do that. He’s like, yes, they would do that. I’m like, oh, that’s very helpful information.

MELISSA: Well, and it is, and, and as a real example, you know, with the kids, same thing helping out around the house. I’ll say two things about that. One is, do you and your spouse have a common definition of what done looks like?

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: So, my husband’s probably a little more like, um, Mags, you know, in terms of vacuuming.

Vacuuming to me is vacuum. His is lift the cushions, move the chairs like it is thorough vacuuming and so the kids would vacuum. I’m using air quotes and, I would think it was fine. And he would be like, “Oh no, this isn’t done right.” So he and I had to calibrate like, What does successful vacuuming? It sounds simple, but like what?

What is our expectation of the kids? And it does vary. Like a 7-year-old vacuuming is different than a 17-year-old. And then we had to also figure out, sometimes they would do that. They would do a cruddy job. Why? So that you would just jump in and be like, all right, I’ll, I’ll do it. So what we started doing was saying, here, here’s your assignment.

Dusting or vacuuming. And if it’s not done right, you’re gonna get another thing on top of it.

MAGS: Mm-hmm. That’s great…

MELISSA: So we gave them another thing like, okay, vacuuming, is it? But you’re also gonna be cleaning toilets if you don’t get vacuuming right.

MAGS: Right.

Let’s talk briefly about what you see in your clients. What are you seeing with people once they’ve worked with you and gone through the seven weeks?

MELISSA: Uh, it, you know, to say life changing and it really is, I just finished working with a client, um, mom, young kids. Went to Disney in the middle of us doing our coaching together and started a new job. So there’s a lot happening at the same time.

And one of the things that we talk about, um, is this concept of a saboteur contagion. Which is when you are in the grip or you’re getting triggered. That has an impact on your family and your kids. I saw it myself, and she was saying what a different relationship she had with her kids. They would do something that would trigger her, and now she doesn’t get grabbed anymore.

MAGS: Mm-hmm.

MELISSA: And so she’s able to handle things in a whole different way, which is change her relationship with her kids, with her family, and even a relationship with work. And that’s what is possible with practicing things for just, you know, six or seven weeks.

MAGS: Right. And I know this isn’t the only work you do.

When I learned more about what you did with the life design stuff, I was thinking. This is what I did, but I didn’t have a guide. I can’t imagine the different experience ’cause I was just shooting from the hip. I was like, I know I don’t like the way things are going. I wanna change it. The reaction things was huge ’cause I saw that it was gonna affect my relationship with my kids and I was willing to do and try anything so that I could actually have them want to be around me when they were older.

And I was like, oh my gosh. She has it all mapped out. This is what like, so I just love that people actually can have a resource and just quickly is it something that you can work through on Zoom. Is it in person?

MELISSA: It is absolutely remote. Most of the coaching calls are done virtually. I literally have clients all across the globe, um, and local ones, which I love to, you know, meet for coffee and that type of thing.

But it is, it is more around to your 0.2 things, the. I’d say the ideal client that works with me, one is they want a framework. They’re feeling stuck. They wanna do something, and they’re motivated to want to do something, but they don’t know how. And the second thing is that they are willing to invest in themselves.

So what I find, especially in, you know, the high achieving working moms, the type of people we’re talking about is they’ll put everyone first and they’ll put themselves on a back burner. And so when they’re ready to declare. No, I need to put my own oxygen mask on first. And this is a way to do it. Magic happens at that point and they need a coach, a Sherpa, a guide to help them through. And I feel honor and duty to help them.

MAGS: And I can’t stress that stuff enough. Like I started to look at the numbers of hockey camps and lacrosse teams and whether it’s music, what, whatever you’re investing in your kid, and those are high price tags.

They don’t really always remember the hockey club and then the return for the family on a parent investing in themselves. That has had such a big impact. Once I stopped that belief system that I was taking money from the family rather than investing in the health of and mental health of the family, that was a huge shift for me.

Um, so I appreciate you bringing that up because I think that’s a big point. And the other thing, when you were talking about coaching and professional women and just anybody, you don’t have to be in a professional setting necessarily. It wasn’t until I got certified as a coach that I realized how many successful people were making this investment in their life. That, I just thought everybody else is figuring it out.

Having that accountability. Makes you so much more willing to take the action steps that maybe have been difficult. And we talk a lot here at Confessions about get whatever help you need to be the best you. Don’t feel embarrassed about it, don’t feel bad that you’ve tried other things and they haven’t worked.

I have looked under so many rocks for so many problems I’ve had in my life. I don’t care that this hasn’t worked, but I’m not gonna blame me. I’m gonna say that wasn’t a good fit for me and just keep looking. And this seems like an amazing place for people to look to see if it’s something that would be beneficial to some of the issues that they’re struggling with in their life.

So thank you so much for coming in today, Melissa. I really appreciate it.

MELISSA: It’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you, and I think that accountability, where you’re ending is a big piece of it to keep people accountable. It’s just like hiring a personal trainer. Guess what? We all know how to sit and do squats and lift weights, and yet sometimes we do need to hire a professional to help keep us on track, and that’s really a big thing to help people progress and help them get to a better place for themselves and for their families.

MAGS: Wonderful. So Team, all the information to get in touch with Melissa will be in the show notes and on my website. And thanks so much for joining us.

MELISSA: Pleasure, Mags. Thanks.

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