In college, I had to be schooled by one of my friends about a nasty habit I had gotten myself into without even recognizing it. My friend shared an article with me about people who do things for others without being asked. Those unsolicited helpers (me, in this case) then expect the recipients of their good deeds to show appreciation. Team, guilty as charged. I’d absolutely gotten into the habit of going out of my way for friends and family—who never asked me for help in the first place, and would then expect those people to show me the love for my thoughtfulness. And when I wouldn’t be recognized? It would lead to resentment. Talk about Martyr 1-0-1.

To change this behavior, I started really small—tiny kid-laundry to be exact. Years ago, I realized that I was going way over-the-top with folding my family’s laundry: I was turning things right-side-in, sections for pants, shirts, undies—you name it, I had a pile for it. All of that folding, times six people, was a nonstop train to Resentment Town. It finally occurred to me that no one was asking for this level of laundering! And it was through clean clothes that I was able to recognize this pattern of doing more than I was asked in all of my relationships.

Fast-forward several years, I was sharing with my friend Courtney, who is like a sister to me, that I’d been showing love for someone who wasn’t reciprocating my efforts. Courtney reminded me that I didn’t have to continue to put effort into people who aren’t reciprocating my goodwill. She wasn’t saying to be mean—just that I didn’t have to go out of my way to be kind. She also gave me permission to not give it much thought. As long as my side of the street is clean, I can move on.

Team, I deeply needed this reminder because this seems to be a behavior that I slip back into without even realizing it. Ever since her refresher course in Martyrdom 1-0-1, I find myself pausing when I get a new “thoughtful” idea. I stop and ask myself:

1. Did this person ask me to do this?
2. Will this effort lead to future resentment? 

Depending on the answers to those questions, I know if I should follow through with the gesture of kindness or let it go.

Thank you, Courtney, for this elementary but essential reminder. As we both know, your memory’s always been better than mine, and as we move into this next stage of life together, I thank goodness for that—because you remember all the things I’ve forgotten we’ve already figured out.

Happy, happy birthday, Yittle!

How about you guys? Do you ever slip into this pattern of giving and people pleasing without even realizing it. There are a couple of posts you might want to check out that apply to this episode as well: Easy Pleasey – Keeping Check of My Pleasability Meter and, Teasey Pleasies – A Solution to Taming the Unpleasable, so please give those a listen when you have a chance.

Next week we’re going to be chatting about change—everyone here loves change, right? So let’s chat about how much we love it even more next week. Until then, thanks so much for listening TeamConfessioners and take care.