Hey Team, we’re back talking about self-talk again this week. If you’re a few weeks behind on listening, or you’re just joining us, please see some links in the show notes to catch up on our conversations about Shad Helmstetter’s book What to Say When You Talk to Yourself.
While reading Shad’s book, something really opened my eyes. As I’ve mentioned, I thought I was doing a pretty good job with compassion—both toward myself and in how I speak to others. But, while working on self-talk reframes, it’s made me more cognizant of how I communicate things to my family. With the awareness that my words have the power to create neural pathways in others—I want to be sure I’m creating channels that I would actually want lodged in my children’s brains for years to come.
The following are some of the most-played tunes from MamaDe’s Passive-Aggressive Playlist:
“You leave your crap all over my house.”
“You always put your dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher.”
“When I ask you to do something for me, you constantly give me an attitude.”
Now, like we talked about last week, are all of these things true? ABSOLUTELY!
-They do leave crap around the house.
-Compared to G and I, they don’t do a lot of dishes. And,
-I, for sure, get attitude when I ask for help.
But, do I want: crap all over my house, extra dishes, and attitude? OF COURSE NOT!
Here are some ways I can reframe some of MamaDe’s Greatest HITS:
“You leave your crap all over my house.”
Can become: “Once all of your things are picked up, I’ll bring you to your friend’s house.”
“You always put your dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher.”
Can become: “Today I’m going to give you the opportunity to turn that kitchen sink into a before-and-after success story.”
“When I ask you to do something for me, you always give me an attitude.”
Can become: “Now, your face is sayin’ ‘no,’ but I know your heart’s screaming, ‘I’m the kind of person who shows up—even when I don’t feel like it!’”
Team, MamaDe’s Passive-Aggressive Playlist? It’s a boxset—not a single. And while my snarky comments feel completely justified in the moment, I don’t want to build long-term mental architecture in unintended, hurtful ways. Now, I’m not suggesting I’m going to communicate with them like kindergarteners on their first day of school. I’m suggesting that I can get the exact same results by choosing to focus on what I’d like them to do rather than what they aren’t doing.
Even with my grown kids, I find myself still saying, “What’s a nicer way you could have said that?” I’m grateful that Shad, his book, and his app, are inspiring me to pause and ask myself the same question, “What’s a nicer way you could have said that, Mags?”
Does anyone have any reframes to share with the Team? Please leave them in the comment section below this post on my website. We’d love to hear from you!
Next week, we’re going to wrap up our four-week invitation. I’d like to share why I’m so committed to continuing this work past the month of January. Please join me for that chat, and thanks so much for listening today TeamConfessioners!
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