We all grew up hearing, ‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,’ right? Well, I’d like to chat today about the impact that prioritizing manners has had on our kids’ lives so far. Good manners were always important to G Man and me, but I didn’t realize the leg up it would give them in a society that seems to be putting less and less emphasis on just general human decency. And while it wasn’t always a smooth road, we’re now getting to experience the fruits of our labor.

Above and beyond, “Pleases,” and “Thank yous,” here are a few examples of the phraseology that we’ve spent decades correcting in our home:

When wanting to spend time with a friend one of the kids might say…

“I’m going to Matthews.”
“Start the sentence again please…”
“May I please go to Matthews?”
“Of course.”

It’s subtle, but it’s about respecting parental authority. It never hurts to remind the little buggers who’s in charge. 

While ordering in a restaurant…

“Can I have a hamburger?” Or even worse, “I’ll have a hamburger.”
“Come again…?”
“May I please have a hamburger?”

Very different. It might not seem like a big deal, but it makes a huge difference to the person being asked.

What I’ve noticed is that the subtlety of asking people rather than telling them can really have an impact on how you’re treated in the outside world. Service workers are disrespected by a concerning majority of their customers. A young person getting in the habit of asking for things nicely now is going to serve them for the rest of their Dunkin-stop, Abercrombie & Fitch, restaurant lovin’ lives. 

As the kids were growing up, our family deal in restaurants was that the kids would only get dessert if someone on the waitstaff commented on their good manners. And Team, honestly, someone always commented on them because it was so rare that children spoke to them respectfully—what the hell? 

But…I should be clear, the waitstaff always commented on their manners when they were actually good.

One night while on vacation in Florida, before going in to eat I happened to turn to the nine, seven, five, and three year old in the backseat and say, “If you guys behave well in this restaurant, Daddy and I have a very special surprise after dinner.” The ‘special surprise’ was going to Universal Studios Orlando for their fireworks display. Fireworks! Team, I love fireworks! And this was the only evening in our seven day trip that we were going to be able to see them—yay!

Well, from the second we entered the establishment that nine, seven, five and three year old were off the friggin’ wall. If I thought it was possible, I would’ve had all four of them individually zip tied and arrested that night by Florida gator wranglers.

Now I’m sure, we all remember how this story started, right? “If you guys behave well in this restaurant, Daddy and I have a very special surprise after dinner.” I said it, so I had to follow through.

I can’t even begin to tell you guys how hard that parenting choice was for me. Can we imagine for a moment how amazing the Universal Studio Orlando fireworks display must be?! Don’t worry if you can’t even imagine how amazing because I’ve imagined enough for all of us. But, imagining was as far as I was going to get. Their manners were so unhinged that night we had no choice but to pull the plug on the plan. And of course we made sure to tell them what the surprise was. And we definitely made sure to drive out of our way back to the hotel so we’d have to pass the entrance to the park….The four of them hysterically crying in the backseat as the mammoth Universal Studios Orlando archway faded off into the distance like, well…probably like a firework would fade in the warm Florida night’s sky…but I guess I’ll never truly know.

So while it wasn’t always pretty, and we repeated ourselves a ton in the early days, but here’s what I think is the most important part of this for me, Team. I want those four growing young adults to know that no one, and I mean NO one, is here to serve their ungrateful needs. Using manners is a way to express gratitude to the person who is serving or helping them. Now that can be someone getting you a coffee, or someone training you at your new job. By demanding good manners, we’re also teaching our kids that we’re all on the same level—we’re all working hard to care for ourselves and our families. The unspoken manners dialog is, “I respect you and all of your hard work.”

So yes young parents, teaching children manners is annoying. But, fast forward 20 years, and the feedback we get most often from the outside world—aside from maybe, ‘Is this your dog? We found her wandering down the sidewalk’—is people commenting on the kids’ politeness. It was some work on the front end, but given how it’s already opening doors for them, it feels like a very worthwhile undertaking. And in a frenzy of things I can’t control as a parent, teaching manners feels like one thing that, in the end, truly pays off. 

Thanks so much for listening!