Recently, I was challenged to think about why, after years and years, I hold on to the same old issues. The question was posed to me like this: “How is this issue serving you?”

Friends, it takes brutal honesty to admit that you might be perpetuating certain problems in your life because, in some way, your life is served by having those problems. My perpetual issues provide a false sense of protection. While that might sound cliché, my issues aren’t protection for me, but for those I love. I have a genuine, self-diagnosed, fear of abundance. In my mind, consciously or unconsciously, when I focus on my issues, rather than my blessings, I maintain an illusion of security that my problems create an invisible barrier around my family. Giving problems more attention than they deserve is a way for me to delude myself by thinking that the Universe will see that I’m already plagued by overwhelming obstacles, so it won’t further punish me by wreaking havoc on my family. 

Does this nutty superstitious thinking resonate with anyone? 

My therapist calls my belief that something I say or do will “jinx” someone I love, “Magical Thinking.” We discovered this when I wanted to talk about all my blessings but was overcome by emotion when I tried to speak. I was forced to explain: “When I fixate on what’s not going well, we’re safe. When I even think about all of my abundance, I feel like the act of speaking it aloud will bring harm to my family. And even worse? It would be my fault.”

I experienced a ton of clarity around Magical Thinking when my brother Tucker passed away unexpectedly at 44 years old. At that time, even with all of my grief, it felt effortless for me to focus on the abundance in my life. Why? Because the unimaginable had just happened. We were safe…at least for a little while.

TeamConfessioners know that I’m not going to stand idly by while denying both myself and my family true happiness. Next week, I’d like to share with the Team how I may have found the Magical Tool to break out of this specific thought-cage once and for all. Be sure to tune in next week~

BLOG: Fear of Abundance – What’s Stopping Me from Enjoying My Life?