For those of you who have never heard the phrase “toxic positivity,” it’s when someone pushes positivity in a way that ignores or invalidates real emotions—like when someone says, ‘Just be grateful!’ when you’re drowning in stress. It, understandably, can feel dismissive, or even isolating to the person in peril. Now you guys know that I’m a positive person, so I’m careful not to do this to friends and family when they come to me. But I want to be mindful of where we attach the word toxic—especially to something like positivity.

A few months ago one of my daughters had a real crap week up at school. We all know those weeks, right Team? We’re pulled in a dozen directions, one thing after another goes wrong, we’re exhausted, that fatigue leads to mistakes, and the mistakes make us feel even worse—it’s such a horrible feeling. Understandably, my daughter told me that she just wasn’t interested in looking on the bright side. Things were lousy, and that was that.

When I thought about what she said, I completely understood her resistance to turning her situation into an exercise of, “Everything is happening for me not to me.” But after validating her feelings of burnout and powerlessness, it was difficult for me not to take time to switch gears to seeing her situation from another angle. 

In my experience, when I start seeing fault in every move I make or feel like a victim in my own life, that mindset ends up feeling way more toxic than positivity ever could. I understand that when people talk about toxic positivity, they mean dismissing someone’s feelings—of course, I’m not suggesting that. But I also need to be careful not to linger too long in my feelings of sadness or anger. In my experience, dwelling in the negative is much more suffocating than possibly reaching for clarity before I’m fully ready. 

We talk a lot here about the dangers of negative self-talk, and bad-girling ourselves. Rough weeks are a welcome mat for my inner critic to do a number on me. So, this effort to ‘look on the bright side’ isn’t about being perfect, or pressuring myself to be happy all the time, and it’s not about dismissing my struggle either. Swiftly shifting my focus to the light is a way to guard against self-criticism and self-pity.

Gentleness and positivity are kryptonite for feelings of self-judgement and helplessness.

My two fast-tracks to feel better about a tough day or week:

1. To be super gentle to myself.
2. To take time to see how things are happening for me, not to me.

So yes, I completely understand that being told that, “Everything happens for a reason,” can feel like the biggest brush-off. But, it can also be a lifeline. Searching for ways to be more self-compassionate and changing perspectives so things don’t seem so hopeless, are the strongest tools I have to combat despair. 

So Team, maybe don’t call me if you want to stay stuck! And, please know, I’m not demanding of myself, or my kids, or my friends and family, or my TeamConfessioners to look for the light in situations because things aren’t as dark as they seem—I like to challenge myself to look for the light because oftentimes, it’s the only thing that protects me from the darkness. 

How about you, Team? How do you break free after a rough week? I’d love to hear what’s helping you shift perspective without shaming yourself. Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear from you and I’ll be sure to reply.

Next week I have a message for Thirty-Somethings. Wondering what the heck that means? You’re going to have to tune in and find out. Thanks so much for listening today TeamConfessioners and have a lovely week~