Something I’ve noticed about myself—if I’m gossiping about and/or criticizing someone behind their back, it’s because there’s something in our relationship that I’m not ready to face. It’s very often fear that keeps me stuck in this toxic pattern of adult tattling.

One thing that can prevent me from moving forward is that I forget I’ve learned a language of kindness in my adult life. How I resolve conflict as an adult looks nothing like how I used to resolve issues as a younger person. I now know how to acknowledge my part in every struggle and how to approach others with benevolence. (If you’re anything like me, little reminder: ‘benevolence’ means kindness and compassion—it sounds like violence to me, so I always have to double-check).

On occasion, I still need a healthy vent session with a friend, but I try to use my banter as an indicator. It might be time to face my fear and talk directly with my loved one. Another thing that helps me to stop gossiping and criticizing others? The knowledge that my words always say more about me and my issues than they do about the other person.