Hello there TeamConfessioners, 

I am Mags’ friend Julie. For years, I’ve gotten a kick out of Mags’ podcast because I so often relate to her stories and I get fired up by her signature sense of humor. Thanks for all the juicy and wise nuggets, Mags.

I’d been chewing on what to share for my Confessions submission for quite some time and many poem ideas and thoughts later, one of my spoken word pieces simply stood up inside and said, “choose me.” So I did. 

This is a Before & After lesson I’d say. It’s specifically about a breakup, but I think it applies to anyone searching for an exit ramp when staying the course just doesn’t feel right. I have found that it’s imperative for us to say no in order to spot the yeses in our lives so, here’s to honoring the “nope gotta-goes” so we can follow the inevitable, blessed entrance ramps that follow. After all, the freeway is waiting for us!

an exit ramp appears

exit

expanse

exile

ex ex ex

I hear the words

the ex-words

running

roaming

rushing through my head and yearn for the space those words promise,

the solace in the idea of

a separation

a split

I’m desperate

dying

determined

to find

distance

disconnection

a departure

from you 

I am sorry but it’s true.

The hue of this feeling is vibrant and searing in me –

we can no longer be we

we can no longer be.

we 

be

we-

no I’m cooped up  

hearing myself on a loop,

heaving

needing to be leaving

to change my rhythm

twist the prism

I suddenly flash on a vision

like a magician waved a wand above my head and said

lean into this fresh view: 

so – why not – I do.

I see

a stretch of land

a strand

a swath of soil

where I effortlessly uncoil, 

where the toiling ceases and pieces of peace gather in me.

I stay with the daydream,

ooze into its seems, and

see a sign,

an exit sign,

just off the highway

this one is different,

distinct…

instinct takes over 

and I turn off

following the promise

in its retro-reflective sheeting that’s reading the usual:

food

phone

lodging…

but then my spirit rises and I close my eyes

(carefully of course, but I’m dreaming the driving so I can be daring)

the last word

after 

food

phone

lodging

is

breath

yes!

my road

my roaming

my real home is that way.

there’s an arrow to follow

and I swerve towards its point

wave goodbye to the highway

say farewell to the fast lane and spot the breath field on the left

no more hiding

no more harm

no more hell

well, well!

I spread my coat on the ground

delighted to lounge –

after all I’d found

a clearing so near…

i thought

thank something holy, I can breathe here.

I promised myself to hold that vision dear

until there

became here.

breath became my guide

to saying goodbye

so that i could find

space in different spaces 

and love in new places

If i hadn’t met that field inside

I’m not sure I would have survived.

Thanks for listening.

CHECK OUT WHAT JULIE IS UP TO: Julie Fitzpatrick