Hey Team, as promised, this week we’re kicking off a new recurring segment called Confessions Conversations. And, we have a very special guest today, my youngest daughter, Tayte. At the time of our sit-down a few weeks ago, she hadn’t applied to any colleges, but thankfully, she’s gotten all of her applications in and we’re just waiting patiently to hear back.

Please sit back and enjoy this longer format discussion…

Transcript

MAGS: So today I am here with a very special guest. My daughter, Tayte. Tayte is our third child, and I wanted to bring her into the studio to chat because I’ve always been so impressed with how Tayte approaches and manages her life. I’m very interested in learning more about her process. So Tayte, I have been blessed to witness you continually shift how you approach and tackle challenges and how you pivot and discover new ways to continue to grow. And I would love to know something that you’ve figured out through your short time here on Earth, Tayte is a senior in high school, that you think would be a good topic for people to hear about today.

TAYTE: Yeah. Well thanks mom. Thank you for having me. Um, I think definitely the way that I’ve kind of approached life, thanks to you and Dad implementing it for me is like I work through systems. So I create these systems for myself and then use those as a way to live my life. You know, both of us are very alike in our organization and I think that’s helped me maintain and accomplish the goals that I want to have accomplished in life.

MAGS: So tell me about some of those systems. When you say systems, what are the things that have worked for you?

TAYTE: Yeah. I definitely love, like, anything that has to do with the organization. So whether that’s writing out my to-do list for the day, my schedule, I do have a whiteboard in my room that I love to plan everything out on, and that kind of helps me stay on track whether I’m doing all the things I write down or not. I think things like that where I’m a very visual learner, so having things put in front of me definitely helps with carrying out those systems.

MAGS: And do you feel like some of this stuff on your list are things that you otherwise wouldn’t really want to do, but it gets on the list and you’re more likely to face it? Like, it causes me some fear to have to do that thing, but I’m just gonna do it.

TAYTE: Yeah. I think at times that’s definitely true. And I also talk with my older sister a lot about how we put things on the list that are super easy to check off just because that helps us feel accomplished if the other things we have are big to-dos. So they can be as easy as oh, I need to shower today, which sometimes can be a hard task, but it’s also an easy one to check off the box. So just seeing that visually that we accomplish something definitely helps with that process.

MAGS: Yeah, that sounds like a good go-to just to keep yourself moving on the every day. I feel like I’ve watched you become much more efficient in your life. I feel like you went from being more of a quiet young person to finding yourself more in a leadership role. What would you say, like, was that shift in your life?

TAYTE: Yeah, I think it definitely comes with, like, my maturation and my journey through just getting older. It came with that, but I think also the people who surround me. You know, growing up in a big family that we have and having two older siblings to guide me through what they’ve experienced and kind of what. Um, what comes for me definitely helps with that. And then my younger brother, who I can pass that all down to.

We always talk in our family how, like, you have a voice, which means you should use that voice. Um, you know, we always spoke for ourselves at restaurants. We always ordered our own foods and things like that. And so I even remember when we were younger and I would be at a grocery store or a gas station on our road trip, bathroom breaks, and I would ask my older sister if she can go and ask the cashier to buy this for me so I wouldn’t have to talk with her. And kind of how my older sister implemented that kind of like, “No, that’s your job.” Like, you have the privilege and blessing of having this voice. You need to use it. And it was a minuscule thought at the time of me just asking for someone to buy a candy bar or something, and how that’s kind of grown and translated to be a more important part of my life now. And it started small, but has continuously shown to be growing bigger.

MAGS: Yeah. Because I remember you coming home actually, I don’t know whether you were at Baldwin or Adams, and you were really affected by your friends in the special needs community and how things were going down in that, space and just being super sensitive about, because like you guys went from probably being a little more coddled in grammar school, but then you guys got to be more independent. When you got to middle school and your special needs friends had paras still involved in their life and I remember you coming back and telling us certain things that were really bothering you. Why don’t you share with us 1. what was bothering you and 2. what you ultimately ended up doing about it, which had to do with using your voice.

TAYTE: Yeah. Well I think once I realized how lucky I was to have that voice. You know, I was going through the day to day with other kids and some of my closest friends to this day still who didn’t have that voice. So once I had that opportunity to see the people who don’t have that and what it means for them was really when it clicked in my head, like, “Okay, I have this thing and I need to do something with it, whether that’s for me or other people.” And definitely I took the root of, kind of other people, but both, I would say I stick out for myself a good amount and kind of have used that to help me with like other day-to-day situations.

But I think with my friends it would be, you know, they would be in a situation where their cognitive abilities are a little bit skewed from the norm at the time, of our age group and such. And so when we’d be in day-to-day interactions and they would have like a parent over them, that none of the other kids had, and that parent was, correcting their behavior after every interaction we had or every kind of mini thing that they did in front of their peers. It was like their mom was right behind them, standing over them and telling them what to do. And it felt like the rest of us didn’t have these parents over us telling us what to do. So then to see these other kids with that kind of glooming over them, just set them apart immediately from everyone else.

MAGS: Right. I remember you being like, “Mom, it’s embarrassing if you were at school with me and correcting my behavior in front of my friends.”

I think generally the way we correct behavior in our family is to go like, “Okay, I am gonna make a mental note of that and talk to Tayte about that when it’s just the two of us.”

TAYTE: Exactly. And so I think I even ended up writing a letter to the head of the department and made a note of that.

And there was also sometimes when there would be comments made about the kids, about what they were doing and the rest of us could hear it. And so I think I ended up actually saying something to someone about that, and it was anonymous, but I still felt my friends who really couldn’t say anything but would be upset by it. I thought that had to be addressed. So that was definitely the first thing I remember using that voice for someone else.

MAGS: Right, and you have a different perspective, which is so important. You guys are constantly teaching me stuff. You’ll be like, “Oh mom, I don’t wanna say this but…” I’m like, “No, please say it because you guys are so observant and you see things through different eyes.” And I think you didn’t wanna embarrass anybody, you were just there to try to improve a system that needed some things improved.

TAYTE: Exactly. And I think that even with Dad’s rules in his life. He’s definitely taught us the person saying it isn’t necessarily the most important thing, but rather just that the message is heard. So I think hearing him, and you, go through your lives making such an impact, but never necessarily getting the public recognition for it, was definitely something that also made me think about it as—it’s not important who signed the letter, but rather that the letter was read.

MAGS: Okay. And written. That’s great. So how does that then ripple effect into other areas of your life?

TAYTE: Yeah. I definitely think as a big family, we’ve had the privilege of traveling and seeing all different cultures and experiencing various languages and ways of life that other people live, and I think that being able to find connection through all of that has made the big world we live in feel smaller and has definitely helped me distinguish my priorities of human connection and how vital that is to our life. And being able to go from our country, and visiting other countries, and still be able to feel that connection between other people who live such different lives than we do is definitely an eye-opening experience for me. Especially in the world we live in today. We talk about it a lot with our family, how there’s so much conflict and divide between us, which feels so crazy to think about when we go and travel and just embrace who each other are, and it seems so easy. Because we’ve had the privilege of seeing kind of how united we all can be.

MAGS: Mm-hmm. Yeah, actually Tayte as you’re talking, because you know, I talk about these things in my life that they’re wonderful things and then they can sometimes turn on me. 

TAYTE: Mm-hmm. 

MAGS: I hadn’t thought of it until today, but I would say, I’m always incredibly impressed about how you’re so caring, and I’ll use the family dog as an example. You’ll know that she has an ear infection before I do. You’ll notice certain behavior that’s different than it was weeks before. And, I think that you went a long time in your life where you were just observing and not saying anything, and this transformation we’re talking about today is that you were using your superpower of observation and you were actually starting to have a voice on what you were observing and not just sit and observe. You are actually, and you have always Tayte, before Daddy and I can even remember—justice was always very important to you. That if people were being, specifically you in the family, if there was any injustice happening in our family, it was very important that we were all paying attention to it, but also just in the world. So that’s clearly something that is it just is the fiber of your being. And I think that taking that observation from being a quiet place of observation to being a place where you can find a platform to say, “Maybe I can make a little difference here.” But it also could probably turn against you—that observing. And it’s probably much like my control and, perfectionism and, martyrdom…it’s probably like, okay, I need to pull this observation back because I’m being too critical on myself or on a situation, or I have to shift my focus, because it can be used for you or against you. Is that something you feel in your life? Like, the observation can be either a good thing or a hurtful thing?

TAYTE: Yeah, I think like anything in life, I see both, both the pros and cons to being such an overthinker. And you know, just observing everything and anything I can through life. But I think I definitely have to thank you and Dad and kind of our family for that confidence that I found with being able to express my observations. And giving me a place where my thoughts and feelings were heard, because that really was what enabled me to start using my voice. You were talking and I was trying to think of a specific time when I switched over and my confidence led me to be able to express my voice and use my volume to make a change. And I think it was really just the way that you guys raised us and you know, I joke with people about how, when we would order food when we went out to dinner, we would pronounce all of our words wrong. And, there was nothing but smiles on the returning end from you and Dad. Unless of course we forgot to use our manners. But just that room that you allotted for us to just be expressive definitely has led all four of us to be able to use the voices that we were given, which we can thank you guys for.

MAGS: Well, I promise I did not have you here today to talk me up, but I appreciate that. I actually feel like, from Daddy and my perspective, it’s more about seeing who you guys naturally were, and are, as individuals and trying to tap into that. Like you naturally are a caring observant person, like, all those things are just who you are naturally. And then it’s going okay, “What’s that kid, what does that kid need to be the best version of, of that passion or that interest?”

So Tayte, I think you would agree with the four of you kids, there’s some who process life outside of their body, and there’s some of you guys who process it more in between your two ears. What advice can you give me? Can you give other parents, for ways to approach that kind of personality? Like, you aren’t gonna come home from school and tell me every single thing that happened, and sometimes you’re in that pensive processing state. What’s the best thing I can do as someone who cares for you when you’re in that place to feel like I’m helping?

TAYTE: Yeah. Well, I mean, I think you do everything, I could ask for, right? You, I mean, part of it is the way I am, where I’m very kind of like internal and when I’m ready to talk about it is when I’ll have that conversation. But another part is just my moody teenager self who comes home from school and just wants to go to my room. I think you guys really provide me with everything that I could ask for. You know, you give me room to talk about my day when it’s available. You’re always there for me to have a conversation if I do need to process something. I think we cherish our, the time we spend, the six of us so much together. You know, when we go around the table and do our daily check-ins and, some people’s days are a lot more chaotic than others. And, you know, we kind of give that, give that room for everyone to provide their two cents and insight to the specific situations that are presented by each family member. I think that you guys do everything I really could ask for, for my personality. Especially ‘cause you have to tackle four very different ones, but also, you know we have kind of two pairs of similar personalities between the four of us. So…

MAGS: Yeah. So what would you say is not helpful? I think that I’ve certainly stepped in it enough to know you, but whether it’s me or anybody. I think it’s helpful for us to know how to take care of one another. So what’s not helpful?

TAYTE: Um, well, I think, I mean, I don’t know. You know, showing your support and that you’re there for us, but not in an overbearing way where it’s like, we really have not much to think about when you pan out to what it will be like in 20 years. But right now it feels like we have everything to think about. I think the unknown in our future kind of overwhelms us on a daily basis. At least, I know my friends and I talk about it a lot. So we don’t have to think about taxes yet or, um, you know, household income, I think just the feeling of everything else with, friends, I think we talk a lot in our house about social media and I think that has totally reshaped this generation of teenagers and just the amounts of information they’re being fed at a certain time and how much more that adds to our thought process. So, you know, I think especially, sometimes I’ll come home and start talking with people and, just creating that, I don’t know if it’s a boundary but when we are like, done talking just to be done. Because I feel like that’s kind of when the lash outs happen, of when we, when we start blaming other people for our kind of moodiness.

MAGS: Do you mean when you’re done with the feedback? Or do you mean when you’re done sharing? Like what do you mean when you say, “When I’m done”?

TAYTE: I honestly, I don’t know. I think we’re just in different moods all the time and that’s, you know, it’s kind of impossible for you guys to figure that out. And I think it’s impossible for me to know how I want you to react, you know? I think a lot of it is just like, Leave me alone. But like, I don’t necessarily want you to be left alone because, we’re so close and we all love each other so much, but I think it’s more just the like.

MAGS: Yeah. Like you can’t take one more thing today. 

TAYTE: Yeah, yeah.

MAGS: I feel that, I feel that I definitely express that where I’m like, “Not today, not today, ya little twerp.” And I think you bring up a great point about just the general overwhelm of life and how much is in your head. And it goes back to that compassion piece, which I think is a good full circle moment for us in our time together here today, which is: I don’t know what your day has been when you walk in the back door, and you don’t know what my day has been, and we just have to kind of meet each other. And I know the way I approach it is, if a kid isn’t gonna be kind to me, we’re not gonna talk. Because the time to talk is when you’ve settled down. And that’s been something that I’ve also had to learn is that I don’t talk to you guys when I’m not in a good place. Like, if I can’t be kind and loving, then I need to step away. It feels like you’re kind of walking away from someone when they’re in a lot of pain, but I really think you’re just walking away from someone when they’re not ready to deal with their pain. They need to first process the pain, then they can manage the pain.

TAYTE: Right. I think that that’s definitely a big part of it. And I think also the, the fault that many of me and my friends have is kind of thinking that, our moms in particular, can mind-read. And you know, gauge what we’re thinking and feeling at a certain time, which is definitely unfair to you guys. Um, but I think it’s also just something that we, you know, it’s nice to have my kind of like my little group of people who all do feel the same things and we all think the same thoughts. So just being able to connect with those people is definitely helpful too. ‘Cause you know, they’ll text me about something that’s going on in their life and I’ll talk to them about something that’s going on in mine life, “Oh wait, is this happening to you?” “Yeah, this is happening to me,” and we’re, you know, there’s just like a kind of mutual feeling we have, but it’s not necessarily due to anything. I think it really is more scientific with our hormones. There’s not much we can do to kind of stop that. 

MAGS: Right. 

TAYTE: Um. So, yeah, that, that has definitely been overwhelming for I think me and everyone, everyone else.

MAGS: Right. Well, it’s so good though that you’re reminding me how important that network is because one person in your life can’t fix everything. I mean, I remember early in my marriage I was like, oh, Daddy can be the person I talk to about this and this and this and this and this. And then it was like, or, I could find people who really wanna talk about these topics and who completely understand, ‘cause that empathy piece is such a big part. Your friends literally know exactly how you’re feeling about a lot of these things you’re experiencing. Where I’m, or another adult in your life, is several generations from feeling it. And it’s a different feeling like you express.

TAYTE: Right…

MAGS: It’s a different childhood.

TAYTE: Yeah, it, it definitely is. And I think, we’re all resorting to is just this like communal, “Can we get together as these seniors in high school and just have a place to vent and complain about all of our non-important problems most of the time.” Um, and just be together in that kind of, you know, feeling because it’s just sometimes what you think you’re feeling is so unreasonable and then you go and speak with people who are in the same stage of life as you and they’re…you know, it’s validating. It can be.

MAGS: Yeah. And I’m gonna go back to something you said, ‘cause you said, uh, “Vent and complain.” And I would challenge you in saying, it sounds like you’re processing your life. Like it’s not just complaining, you’re really trying to figure out, Why do I feel this way? Do you feel the same way? And I’m guessing for you too, it probably goes back to your feeling some injustice and you have to try to figure it out and process it so you can get to peace with it. So, it sounds like you’re doing pretty good, kiddo.

TAYTE: Yeah.

MAGS: Figuring it all out.

TAYTE: Yeah.

MAGS: Well, thank you so much for joining me today, very brave. I appreciate you taking the time. This is not something you had to do, but when I was thinking about doing these interviews, you kids were the first people I had on my list to grab in the studio. So I really appreciate you taking the time, and I love you so much.

TAYTE: I love you, Mom. Thank you.