Child-rearing was a whole different game decades ago, am I right, friends? Many of us listening right now are familiar with phrases like: 

“You call that ‘art’?”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!”

But just because acknowledging kids’ feelings and giving kids a bunch of choices wasn’t really a thing in the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s, doesn’t mean that the remedy to that approach is to honor every feeling and allow kids to make all the choices for themselves. Because honoring every feeling and offering infinite choice is just the opposite side of that exact same coin.

This is how our friends at Merriam Webster define “overcorrecting”: to adjust too much in attempting to offset an error, miscalculation, or problem.

So again, while I know ignoring all emotions and removing all choice is a blatant miscalculation, I’d love to offer up an example where a more balanced approach might be necessary.  

Early in life, it’s very common for babies and toddlers to only see a handful of people on a weekly basis. They become comfortable with and trust these faces. But occasionally the family is going to gather with extended relatives that the child is not used to seeing. More often than not, seeing new faces will cause fear in a child. They might even become emotional and want to cling to the people they know. 

Now, it’s a very human reaction to be scared with new things. But ya know what I’m not going to do with my child? Confirm that fear by allowing my child to be controlled by that fear. I see my role as the parent to teach this lesson very early in life—even though something is scary, it doesn’t mean we don’t get a little uncomfortable and face it. 

To the child everyone is a stranger and strangers are scary, but I’m the adult. I know that these new faces are attached to amazingly loving people. As a matter of fact, they’re our people. It’s my job to confidently insist that my child greet these trustworthy faces so that the child can learn that their fears are not always facts. And that might include some tears when the child is greeting new friends and family. And while I might offer an explanation of why my child is hesitant, I refuse to use the tears or discomfort as an excuse as to why my child is NOT greeting relatives. I talk more about this in my post Explanations vs. Excuses and I’ll pop a link to that in the show notes. 

This family party example also offers another important lesson about teaching my children to do the right thing. It’s very healthy to learn early in life we all have to do things that aren’t comfortable.

Let’s start now, Bubbies, by giving Aunt Gladis a nice big hug even though she smells a little like mothballs. Because, here’s the thing Bubs, it’ll be another forty years before you realize in your tiny developing brain that the hug you just gave pungent Aunt Gladis is going to stay with her for weeks to come. She’s going to tell every single person that will listen about her ‘Cutest little grand-nephew, and, oh! He came right up to me and gave me just the biggest hug. He made me feel like a million bucks!’ While it’s not all about you Bubs, in life you’re going to see that the little discomfort you might have going out of your way for someone like Aunt Gladis is going to make you feel good inside. And, if you want that good feeling more in life, be the kind of person who brings other people joy. 

Now, let’s get real here for a moment. If we leave one of these parties and a kid says to me, ‘Uncle Smokey just gives me a strange vibe.’ I encourage my kid to absolutely listen to their instincts and steer completely clear of Uncle Smokey. Every family’s got one, and we can love Uncle Smokey from a safe emotional distance, like we do with fireworks and porcupines. The goal here is not to dull their instincts, it’s to rely on mine for a while until theirs are more developed.

And one more thing before I leave you today. While I’m no longer popping my kids in the laps of distant relatives, that practice did establish, as their mom, I do know what’s best for them sometimes. I don’t make them do too much these days because I like to save up my enforcement credits for the important things. For times when I hear things like…

“I wanna quit lacrosse.”
“I’ve decided I’m not gonna try out for hockey.”
“No, I’m not going to prom this year.”

You guys know I’m very sensitive to other people’s feelings, and I’m very open to talking with my teens about their choices. But strapped with both my fully formed prefrontal cortex and a whole hell of a lot of life experience, it’s my job to relieve my children of the pressure of all of these emotions and decisions. So, for at least for a little bit longer, I still occasionally take the wheel when I see them making decisions fueled by fear rather than fortitude. 

Next week, I’m going to tell you a painful story from my college days and the lasting lesson it taught me. Be sure to tune in for that and…

TeamConfessioners! I have a request from all of you today. If you’ve been listening to Confessions for a while—please, head over to Apple Podcasts and give the show a 5-star rating and maybe even a review. This really helps me out. And hey, if you’re on your phone already and you’re listening from my website, just click the purple icon by the podcast player. The one that says “Listen on Apple Podcasts.” That will bring you to Apple Podcasts and you can just scroll down to the “Ratings & Reviews” section. Thanks so much Team, I really appreciate it! And , as always, thanks so much for listening!