Years ago I shared with a friend a comment someone made about one of my children’s bodies. I was confiding in her because I needed a buddy to eye-roll with, but I ended up with so much more. Oh, she eye-rollled with me alright, but then she said this:

“It’s never okay to comment on a child’s body.”

Growing up in a time when remarks were constantly flying about people’s physical appearance, I had never had someone break it down so simply for me: just don’t do it.

Now, there are few things in life that I love more than an opportunity to tell a close friend how great her ass looks in that new pair of jeans. So far, I don’t think I’ve offended anyone when I’ve made a comment meant to lift someone up. But those reflections are aimed at my peers—not children. The difference? I don’t want my children or any other young person to feel like I am passing judgment on their growing bodies. Even if the comment might be classified as “a compliment.” That doesn’t matter. Because what I’ve observed from being a parent for over two decades is this: even years later, my kids are still hung up on statements people have made about their appearance. Comments that have either made them self-conscious or led them to believe that their bodies were more deserving of attention when they look a certain way. I want to hunt these numbskulls down and make them attend a mind-numbing course entitled, “Just Cause Ya Think It, Jackass, Doesn’t Mean You Have To Say It.”  

Now, what I do appreciate are my friends who model for me what it looks like to give feedback in appropriate ways — to anyone, at any age. And I think the key here is that they just make statements rather than comparisons. They simply say things like: You look great, or I love those shoes. They don’t measure people, against others or previous versions of who they once were.

Of course, TeamConfessioners, I wish people weren’t so sensitive about this stuff, but the reality is, people are sensitive about this stuff. My choice to keep my mouth shut is an effort to remind my kids that they are loved and cherished at any and every shape and size. And more importantly, their shape and size are not what I see when I look at them. I see kindness, intelligence, thoughtfulness. I see someone who has plenty of time to rinse their dish off and put it in the dishwasher. I see someone who should reply to all of my texts if they want me to reply to all of their texts. And, most importantly, I see someone who knows that I’m a person in their life who can lift them up, rather than size them up. 

Thanks for listening, TeamConfessioners.