While today’s episode isn’t the uplifting post I had planned to end Season 10 with, I need our TeamConfessioners’ help to hold myself accountable through these long summer months. 

Friends, in my 23rd year of parenting, I’ve grown a bit weary of holding up my standards. I understand there’s an evolutionary relaxation in parenthood from child to child, but I’ve been noticing a reluctance in myself to “poke the bear.” Which is to say, I’m prioritizing my serenity over calling the teens out on their obnoxious behavior. 

I’m sure you guys understand the bear-to-adolescent comparison here. One minute you have a docile teddy, the next you have an eight-foot grizzly raging that it’s ridiculous to expect a kid to go to bed at 10 o’clock on a school night. But it’s after these tantrums that I have to remember my overall goal, Team. My goal isn’t to win approval from my children. My goal is to not raise schmucks who treat people like crap.

Friends, I think we can all agree, jackasses don’t just fall from the sky in their 20’s and 30’s—they have been showcasing their offensive behavior for years. Behavior that someone in their life tolerated time and time again. So, I’m here to remind myself today that permitting too many insufferable outbursts now could easily lead to, dare I say, an unbearable adult tomorrow.

Choosing to ignore their lip (as we called it in the 80’s) rather than confronting it, I send a message to the little buggers that it’s in some way, shape, or form ok to treat people disrespectfully when you’re upset about something. Which is not true. The message I want my kids to hear loud and clear is that being rude to others (even the people closest to you) is never okay!

Now, there are two things I want to be clear about today, and the first one is this:

I’m not talking about nagging the bear. This isn’t about continuously reminding the bear to fill out job applications, clean their room, or pick up their crap from my living room floor. This is about calling them out on how they treat other people.

Secondly, I’m not for one second suggesting my kids should be pleasant all the time. I not only understand that they’re going to take their emotions out on me—I expect it. BUT, that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. It’s like we talked about in the post Explanations vs. Excuses. Raging hormones might be an explanation of why they’re slamming doors and overreacting to being asked to pick up their shoes, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that you just spoke to me disrespectfully. Again, we can be sad, angry, or upset in this family, but that does not give any of us permission to treat one another poorly.

It might not hurt for me to review some go-to phrases I’ve learned from people who are much calmer than me. So, when what I really want to do is smack the little twerps into next fall, I can remember to say things like this instead:

• How about you take some time in your room and come back when you can speak respectfully to me.
• I actually don’t let people talk to me like that. I’m happy to revisit this topic when you’ve cooled off.
• The other day, your behavior hurt my feelings and it’s my job to tell you when your actions and words are hurtful to others.

And this last one my friend John taught me, I absolutely love…

• Do you think your behavior right now is bringing you closer or farther away from what you want?

Listen Team, this stuff isn’t easy, but I got myself into this den of cubs and, no matter how tired I am, I’m committed to seeing it through. I’m actually motivated by the fact that being taught that I can regulate my emotions to protect the people around me from my fluctuating moods has been one of the very best skills I’ve learned in my micromanaging, perfectionist, martyr recovery journey. This alone transformed me from an immature adult to a mature one. I have an opportunity to offer my children a place to rehearse managing their irritation appropriately so much earlier in life than I did. And, in my experience, it took a lot of practice to learn this restraint—but it has been worth all the effort I put into it. 

And Team, I think I also had to remind myself today that no matter how loud the teen-cubs growl, I’m still the MamaBear of this cave—and while the cubs are certainly entitled to their feelings, they’re not entitled to bite the hand that feeds them and expect dessert.

On that note—thanks so much for supporting me through another season, Team. Next Friday we’re going to be heading into Summer Rewinds! Have a great week everyone~