Kids Getting Benched – Turning Pain Into Empathy

One of my favorite and most utilized friendship tools is empathy. I love when people offer me empathy. There’s nothing like going through a really difficult time and connecting with a friend who has been through exactly the same hardship.

I try to remember this when I’m going through a rough time, especially when I slip into the “why me’s.” I remind myself, even if just for a moment, that someday a friend, family member, or one of my kids could go through something similar, and I’ll be able to draw on this pain to help them through it. That shift almost always gets me out of the “poor me” mindset.

Redirecting the focus to empathy has also been a really effective parenting tool for me. When my kid, who’s used to playing in every game, gets benched, we can focus on her not playing, or I can remind her how important it is to truly know how it feels to watch from the sideline. Or the kid who doesn’t get asked to the dance. We can spend all our time feeling horrible, or we can take a second to point out that feeling left out, while crappy, is an important thing to experience firsthand. When we know how it feels, we’re better at comforting our friends when it happens to them, and we’re also more likely to think twice before we leave someone out.

Team, I’m not saying I bust in with the “This is a learning opportunity” speech right out of the gate. But I’ve found it helpful to start the empathy talk right around the time their bitching and moaning gets to the point where, if I have to hear one more second of it, I’m going to lose my ever-loving mind. I can make an offering: “We can absolutely keep talking about how left out you feel if you want to continue to feel crappy. If you want a way out of the suck-cycle, you can think about how some kids on your team show up to practice day after day, cheer the team on game after game, and never get the playing time you do. The choice is up to you. You can focus on how mad you are about Saturday’s game, or you can choose to be inspired by the example your devoted teammates set by continually showing up for you.”

And honestly, Team, this is the same speech I have to give myself. When I’m hurting, I can stay stuck in self-pity, or I can look around and notice the people who’ve been quietly carrying this same kind of pain all along, and let their example inspire me. Also, what I’m going through is going to help me show up for someone else down the road.

The best teammates—in sports, at work, or in relationships—are the people who truly understand, or at least make the effort to. For me, turning pain into empathy is how I get to be a solid member of any and every team I’m on.

If you’re interested in more posts on empathy:

Rite of Empathy – A Shortcut to Understanding Someone Else’s Pain
Caring for You Cares for Me – Empathy Over Fear, a Compassionate Approach to Loved Ones in Pain
The Empathy Keeper – Taking on the Pain and Joy of Others