My most downloaded episode at Confessions is “When Something’s Not Working – Maybe It’s Time to Fix the System, Not Me”. In the post, I talk about my pattern of blaming myself when it’s actually the system that isn’t working. Clearly, I’m not the only one in the habit of assuming I’m the problem when things go wrong.

The other day my friend Katie told me how a recipe led her to botch the charring on some ribs she was cooking. But it was what she said right after explaining the situation that caught my attention. Katie said, “I feel like I ruined…well, rather, the recipe ruined that layer of flavor.” And there it was, Team. Katie started to blame herself, but immediately pivoted and shifted the blame to where it belonged—on the printed recipe.

I think the reason Katie’s shift meant even more to me, Team, is that my girl Katie worked for Bon Appétit for twenty years! She’s got mad street cred when it comes to published recipes, and she knows full well that they can be wrong. Me? I’d assume I was wrong—especially when it comes to cooking.

Taking responsibility for my side of the street has changed my life. But, friends, without even realizing it, sometimes my self-reflection can morph into over-responsibility. Things that aren’t working well in my life can quickly get filed under something I have to fix or improve. Because of this, it’s so helpful for me to witness other women putting the blame where it belongs—on what actually caused the problem.

So whether it’s a broken oven, a recipe misprint, or a dysfunctional relationship—it’s so important for me to surround myself with friends who both set an example of what it looks like to place accountability where it truly lies, and who encourage me to do the same. 

This story also reminds me that my daughters are listening. They’re listening to how I process the world and what I take ownership of. And one generational change that I can make is not carrying more than my share. I want to model for them, and myself, that sometimes situations just happen, systems just don’t work, and things or people were already off long before I ever got there.

And the more I mindfully decide to blame the proverbial recipe rather than myself, the more I inspire others to do the same. Thanks, Katie.